Book Notes - Nonviolent Communication by Marhsall B. Rosenberg

Sunday. January 31, 2021 - 63 mins

The Book in Three Sentences

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a practice that is has four components: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests. To communicate using NVC, we observe without evaluating, we identify and expressing feelings without over-analyzing, we accept needs without judging, and finally, we make requests using positive language. Following these principles highlighted in the book, one can have deeper meaningful relationships not only with others but also with oneself.

Nonviolent Communication (A Language of Life) Chapter Notes and Summary

My notes are informal and often contain quotes from the book as well as my own thoughts. This summary also includes key lessons and important passages from each chapter in the book. The passages in italics are highlights on highlights and the ones in bold resonated with me the most.

1 Giving From the Heart

The Heart of Nonviolent Communication What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.

A Way to Focus Attention

Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting.
NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative. As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as to others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. We perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Although I refer to it as “a process of communication” or “a language of compassion,” NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.
When we give from the heart, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life.
The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.
If we stay with the principles of NVC, stay motivated solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process, and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another.

The NVC Process

The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like.
Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests
“Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common.” She would follow immediately with the fourth component—a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”
NVC Process The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being How we feel in relation to what we observe The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
While I conveniently refer to NVC as a “process” or “language,” it is possible to experience all four pieces of the process without uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is in our consciousness of the four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.

Applying NVC in Our Lives and the World

Summary NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives. NVC fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

2 Communication That Blocks Compassion

Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our natural state of compassion.

Moralistic Judgments

One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. Such judgments are reflected in language: “The problem with you is that you’re too selfish.” “She’s lazy.”
When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways or, occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like.
Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.”
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if people do agree to act in harmony with our values, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness.
if people do agree to act in harmony with our values, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness.
We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame.
Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion.
They, too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future decreases.
Value judgments reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments; for example, “Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.”
For example, instead of “Violence is bad,” we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.”
there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as “good” or “bad” and believe that the “bad” ones deserve to be punished.
Classifying and judging people promotes violence.

Making Comparisons

Comparisons are a form of judgment.

Denial of Responsibility

Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility.
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves:
We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
I have thought for a long time now that if, some day, the increasing efficiency for the technique of destruction finally causes our species to disappear from the earth, it will not be cruelty that will be responsible for our extinction and still less, of course, the indignation that cruelty awakens and the reprisals and vengeance that it brings upon itself… but the docility, the lack of responsibility of the modern man, his base subservient acceptance of every common decree. The horrors that we have seen, the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untamable men are increasing in number throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men.—George Bernanos [[Quote_OnDenialofResponsibility]]

Other Forms of Life-alienating Communication

Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion. A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
We can never make people do anything.
The concept that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment is also associated with life-alienating communication.
Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.
Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.

**The language of wrongness, should, and have to is perfectly suited for this purpose: the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves—to outside authorities—for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings.*

Summary It is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving compassionately. We have, however, learned many forms of life-alienating communication that lead us to speak and behave in ways that injure others and ourselves. One form of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of those who don’t act in harmony with our values. Another is the use of comparisons, which can block compassion both for others and for ourselves. Life-alienating communication also obscures our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Communicating our desires in the form of demands is yet another characteristic of language that blocks compassion.

3 Observing Without Evaluating

Observing Without Evaluating OBSERVE!! There are few things as important, as religious, as that.—Frederick Buechner, minister

**I can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do. And I can handle your interpretations, but please don’t mix the two. If you want to confuse any issue, I can tell you how to do it: Mix together what I do with how you react to it. Tell me that you’re disappointed with the unfinished chores you see, But calling me “irresponsible” is no way to motivate me. And tell me that you’re feeling hurt when I say “no” to your advances, But calling me a frigid man won’t increase your future chances. Yes, I can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do, And I can handle your interpretations, but please don’t mix the two.—Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD*

The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation.
When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist whatever we are saying.
NVC does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating. It only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and our evaluations.
When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.

**I’ve never seen a lazy man; I’ve seen a man who never ran while I watched him, and I’ve seen a man who sometimes slept between lunch and dinner, and who’d stay at home upon a rainy day, but he was not a lazy man. Before you call me crazy, think, was he a lazy man or did he just do things we label “lazy”?*

Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations

The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying.
for example, “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games,” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”

4 Identifying and Expressing Feelings

Identifying and Expressing Feelings

The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings

“I feel that it isn’t right to play music so loud at night.” I pointed out that when he followed the word feel with the word that, he was expressing an opinion but not revealing his feelings.
This difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings is common, and in my experience, especially so among lawyers, engineers, police officers, corporate managers, and career military personnel—people whose professional codes discourage them from manifesting emotions.
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.

Feelings versus Non-feelings

A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling.
“I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think.
feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by: Words such as that, like, as if: “I feel that you should know better.” “I feel like a failure.” “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.” The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it: “I feel I am constantly on call.” “I feel it is useless.” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.”
Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.
In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.
Description of what we think we are: “I feel inadequate as a guitar player.” In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings. Expressions of actual feelings: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.” “I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.” “I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.”
The actual feeling behind my assessment of myself as “inadequate” could therefore be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion.
“I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work.” The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad” or “I feel discouraged.” “I feel misunderstood.” Here the word misunderstood indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling. In this situation, I may be feeling anxious or annoyed or some other emotion. 3. “I feel ignored.” Again, this is more of an interpretation of the actions of others than a clear statement of how we are feeling. No doubt there have been times we thought we were being ignored and our feeling was relief, because we wanted to be left to ourselves.

Building a Vocabulary for Feelings

Summary The second component necessary for expressing ourselves is feelings. By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.

Exercise 2: Expressing Feelings

Whenever the words I feel are followed by the words I, you, he, she, they, it, that, like, or as if, what follows is generally not what I would consider to be a feeling.
However, the word good is vague when used to convey a feeling. We can usually express our feelings more clearly by using other words, for example: relieved, gratified, or encouraged.

5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings

**Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.—Epictetus*

Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options

NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment. With this third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
Four options for receiving negative messages:
- 1. blame ourselves.
- 1. blame others.
- 1. sense our own feelings and needs.
- 1. sense others’ feelings and needs.
In NVC, however, we would urge this speaker to go a step further by identifying what she is wanting: what need, desire, expectation, hope, or value of hers has not been fulfilled? As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel… because I need…”
On the surface, taking responsibility for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It may appear that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.

**Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.*

The Needs at the Roots of Feelings

If someone says, “You never understand me,” they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled.

**Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.*

If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled.
began the meeting by asking these two questions: “What is it that you are each needing? And what would you like to request of the other in relation to these needs?” “The problem is that these people are racist!” shouted a farm worker. “The problem is that these people don’t respect law and order!” shouted a landowner even more loudly. As is often the case, these groups were more skilled in analyzing the perceived wrongness of others than in clearly expressing their own needs.
This happens often when people are used to analyzing and blaming one another rather than clearly expressing what they need.

The Pain of Expressing Our Needs versus the Pain of Not Expressing Our Needs

**If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.*

“I’ve just become aware that for thirty-six years, I was angry with your father for not meeting my needs, and now I realize that I never once clearly told him what I needed.”

From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation

**From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation*

Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.
First stage: Emotional slavery. We see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.
Stage 2: In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry.
Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
Stage 3:At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts.
Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions.
Summary The third component of NVC is the acknowledgment of the needs behind our feelings. What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings. When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message. Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. In a world where we are often harshly judged for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening, especially for women who are socialized to ignore their own needs while caring for others. In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages: (1) “emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, (2) “the obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and (3) “emotional liberation”—in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.

NVC in Action: “Bring Back the Stigma of Illegitimacy!”

Student: (expressing herself in NVC, and using all four parts of the process: observation [O], feeling [F], need [N], request [R]) You know, when you first said that we should bring back the stigma of illegitimacy (O), I got really scared (F), because it really matters to me that all of us here share a deep caring for people needing help (N). Some of the people coming here for food are teenage parents (O), and I want to make sure they feel welcome (N). Would you mind telling me how you feel when you see Dashal, or Amy and her boyfriend, walking in? (R)

6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

Using Positive Action Language

Use positive language when making requests.
As soon as I opened my mouth, however, I found words tumbling out in all the ways I had been so determined to avoid! It was a painful lesson about what can happen when I only identify what I don’t want to do, without clarifying what I do want to do.
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
Vague language contributes to internal confusion. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”

**we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”*

**Yes, it can be difficult to make clear requests. But think how hard it will be for others to respond to our request if we’re not even clear what it is!*

I’m grateful for your clarity. I hope you can see how you are not likely to find someone who can fulfill your need for love if that’s what it takes. Very often, my clients were able to see how the lack of awareness of what they wanted from others had contributed significantly to their frustrations and depression.

Making Requests Consciously

When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.
Even more often, we are simply not conscious of what we are requesting when we speak. We talk to others or at them without knowing how to engage in a dialogue with them. We toss out words, using the presence of others as a wastebasket.
We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
Equally problematic is the reverse situation—when people state their requests without first communicating the feelings and needs behind them. This is especially true when the request takes the form of a question. “Why don’t you go and get a haircut?” can easily be heard by youngsters as a demand or an attack
My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection—a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment, as with the man on the train, that our words have been understood. Or we may be requesting honesty: we wish to know the listener’s honest reaction to our words.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.

Asking for a Reflection

To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
When I emphasize the importance of our ability to ask for reflections, people often express reservations.
silently—“Are you saying you’re feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things?” Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.

Requesting Honesty

After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know (1) what the listener is feeling;
Sometimes we’d like to know something about our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say. At these times, it’s important to specify which thoughts we’d like them to share.
(2) what the listener is thinking; or
(3) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.

Making Requests of a Group

In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
In India, when people have received the response they want in conversations they have initiated, they say “bas” (pronounced “bus”). This means, “You need not say more. I feel satisfied and am now ready to move on to something else.” Though we lack such a word in our own language, we can benefit from developing and promoting “bas-consciousness” in all our interactions.

Requests versus Demands

When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.
To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection, the more likely our requests will be heard as demands. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip.
However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t agree to the request.
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.

Defining Our Objective When Making Requests

If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.
Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
When we give people labels, we tend to act in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis.
“Excuse me,” I addressed them, “would one of you two gentlemen tell me what you heard me say?” One of them turned toward me and snorted, “Yeah, you said we had to go over there and sit down.” I thought to myself, “Uh, oh, he’s heard my request as a demand.” Out loud I said, “Sir”—I’ve learned always to say “sir” to people with biceps like his, especially when one of them sports a tattoo—“would you be willing to tell me how I could have let you know what I was wanting so that it wouldn’t sound like I was bossing you around?” “Huh?” Having been conditioned to expect demands from authorities, he was not used to my different approach. “How can I let you know what I’m wanting from you so it doesn’t sound like I don’t care about what you’d like?” I repeated. He hesitated for a moment and shrugged, “I don’t know.” “What’s going on between you and me right now is a good example of what I was wanting us to talk about today. I believe people can enjoy each other a lot better if they can say what they would like without bossing others around.
When making a request, it is also helpful to scan our minds for the sort of thoughts that automatically transform requests into demands: He should be cleaning up after himself. She’s supposed to do what I ask.
If I clearly understand you intend no demand, I’ll usually respond when you call. But if you come across like a high and mighty boss, you’ll feel like you ran into a wall. And when you remind me so piously about all those things you’ve done for me, you’d better get ready: Here comes another bout! Then you can shout, you can spit, moan, groan, and throw a fit; I still won’t take the garbage out. Now even if you should change your style, It’s going to take me a little while before I can forgive and forget. Because it seems to me that you didn’t see me as human too until all your standards were met.—“Song from Brett” by Marshall B. Rosenberg
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.
Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard. Especially when we are expressing ourselves in a group, we need to be clear about the nature of the response we are wanting. Otherwise we may be initiating unproductive conversations that waste considerable group time.
Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly. The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.

7 Receiving Empathically

The two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly 2. receiving empathically

Presence: Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There

The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: “The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.”
Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being

**Instead of offering empathy, we tend instead to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand, requires us to focus full attention on the other person’s message.*

There is a Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
some common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples: Advising: “I think you should… ” “How come you didn’t… ?” One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.” Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just… ” Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time… ” Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing… ” Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I would have called but… ” Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
Once, when I was working with twenty-three mental health professionals, I asked them to write, word for word, how they would respond to a client who says, “I’m feeling very depressed. I just don’t see any reason to go on.” Questions such as, “When did this begin?” constituted the most frequent response; they give the appearance that the professional is obtaining the information necessary to diagnose and then treat the problem. In fact, such intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires.
The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing.
Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.

Listening for Feelings and Needs

No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
Are you feeling unhappy with me? MBR: When you say “with me,” you imply that his feelings are the result of what you did. I would prefer for you to say, “Are you unhappy because you were needing… ?” and not “Are you unhappy with me?” It would put your attention on what’s going on within him and decrease the likelihood of your taking the message personally.
Woman: (trying to empathize with the needs expressed through her husband’s message) Are you feeling unhappy because you feel like I don’t understand you? MBR: Notice that you are focusing on what he’s thinking, and not on what he’s needing. I think you’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you. Instead of hearing that he’s unhappy because he thinks you don’t listen, focus on what he’s needing by saying, “Are you unhappy because you are needing… ”

**Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.*

Paraphrasing

Another advantage of choosing to reflect a message back to the other party is that it offers them time to reflect on what they’ve said and an opportunity to delve deeper into themselves.
Though they may appear to be the most direct way to connect with what’s going on within the other person, I’ve found that questions like these are not the safest route to obtain the information we seek.
I’ve found that people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question.
Thus, instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?”
When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.
But even if we are confident that we’ve understood them, we may sense the other party wanting confirmation that their message has been accurately received. They may even express this desire overtly by asking, “Is that clear?” or “Do you understand what I mean?” At such moments, hearing a clear paraphrase will often be more reassuring to the speaker than hearing simply, “Yes, I understand.”
There are no infallible guidelines regarding when to paraphrase, but as a rule of thumb, it is safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages would appreciate our reflecting these back to them.
Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
Although he listens for his father’s feelings and needs, however, he does not paraphrase what he hears. “I never say it out loud,” he explained. “In our culture, to direct-talk to a person about their feelings is something they’re not used to. But thanks to the fact that I no longer hear what he says as an attack, but as his own feelings and needs, our relationship has become enormously wonderful.”
Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important.
“Don’t pull any of that psychology crap on me!” we may be told. Should this occur, we continue our effort to sense the speaker’s feelings and needs; perhaps we see in this case that the speaker doesn’t trust our motives and needs more understanding of our intentions before he can appreciate hearing our paraphrases. As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message.
The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.

**Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs.*

A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.
Paraphrasing saves time.

Sustaining Empathy

I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we’re in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by as yet unexpressed, but related—and often more powerful—feelings.
When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.

When Pain Blocks Our Ability to Empathize

We need empathy to give empathy.
Summary Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being. In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Then we may wish to reflect back, paraphrasing what we have understood. We stay with empathy and allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or requests for relief. We need empathy to give empathy.When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (1) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy; (2) scream nonviolently; or (3) take time out.

NVC in Action: A Wife Connects with Her Dying Husband

The words good and bad are often used to describe feelings when people have yet to identify the specific emotion they are experiencing.

Exercise 5: Receiving Empathically versus Non-empathically

I believe we connect more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thoughts.

8 The Power of Empathy

Empathy That Heals

Carl Rogers described the impact of empathy on its recipients: “When… someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!
It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.

Empathy and the Ability to Be Vulnerable

The situations where we are the most reluctant to express vulnerability are often those where we want to maintain a “tough image” for fear of losing authority or control.
The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.
In situations of pain, I recommend first getting the empathy necessary to go beyond the thoughts occupying our heads and recognize our deeper needs.
We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.

Using Empathy to Defuse Danger

Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.

Empathy in Hearing Someone’s “No!”

Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally.

Empathy to Revive a Lifeless Conversation

Thus, if an aunt is repeating the story about how twenty years ago her husband deserted her and her two small children, we might interrupt by saying, “So, Auntie, it sounds like you are still feeling hurt, wishing you’d been treated more fairly.”

**People are not aware that empathy is often what they are needing.*

To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy.
What bores the listener bores the speaker too.
Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.

Empathy for Silence

Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.
Empathy lies in our ability to be present.
Summary Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence. Time and again, people transcend the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient contact with someone who can hear them empathically.

9 Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves

NVC’s most important use may be in developing self-compassion.

Remembering the Specialness of What We Are

We use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.

Evaluating Ourselves When We’ve Been Less Than Perfect

It is tragic that so many of us get enmeshed in self-hatred rather than benefit from our mistakes, which show us our limitations and guide us towards growth.
Shame is a form of self-hatred, and actions taken in reaction to shame are not free and joyful acts.
Even if our intention is to behave with more kindness and sensitivity, if people sense shame or guilt behind our actions, they are less likely to appreciate what we do than if we are motivated purely by the human desire to contribute to life.
Avoid shoulding yourself!
We were not meant to succumb to the dictates of should and have to, whether they come from outside or inside of ourselves. And if we do yield and submit to these demands, our actions arise from an energy that is devoid of life-giving joy.

Translating Self-judgments and Inner Demands

A basic premise of NVC is that whenever we imply that someone is wrong or bad, what we are really saying is that he or she is not acting in harmony with our needs. If the person we are judging happens to be ourselves, what we are saying is, “I myself am not behaving in harmony with my own needs.”
Our challenge then, when we are doing something that is not enriching life, is to evaluate ourselves moment by moment in a way that inspires change both (1) in the direction of where we would like to go, and (2) out of respect and compassion for ourselves, rather than out of self-hatred, guilt or shame.
Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

NVC Mourning

if we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did (“Look, you just messed up again!”), we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, “What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?”
Whether it’s sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, or some other feeling, we have been endowed by nature with these feelings for a purpose: they mobilize us to pursue and fulfill what we need or value.
NVC mourning: connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions we now regret.

Self-forgiveness

An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves—the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place.
NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.

The Lesson of the Polka-dotted Suit

We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part.

Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play!

We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.

Translating “Have to” to “Choose to”

Translating “Have to” to “Choose to”
When I realized that money was my primary motivation, I immediately saw that I could find other ways to take care of myself financially, and that in fact, I’d rather scavenge in garbage cans for food than write another clinical report.
With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.

Cultivating Awareness of the Energy behind Our Actions

Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them.
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to.”
Summary The most crucial application of NVC may be in the way we treat ourselves. When we make mistakes, instead of getting caught up in moralistic self-judgments, we can use the process of NVC mourning and self-forgiveness to show us where we can grow.By assessing our behaviors in terms of our own unmet needs, the impetus for change comes not out of shame, guilt, anger, or depression, but out of the genuine desire to contribute to our own and others’ well-being. We also cultivate self-compassion by consciously choosing in daily life to act only in service to our own needs and values rather than out of duty, for extrinsic rewards, or to avoid guilt, shame, and punishment. If we review the joyless acts to which we currently subject ourselves and make the translation from “have to” to “choose to,” we will discover more play and integrity in our lives.

10 Expressing Anger Fully

Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause

The first step to fully expressing anger in NVC is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger.
We are never angry because of what others say or do.
To motivate by guilt, mix up stimulus and cause.
We say: “You make me angry.” “You hurt me by doing that.” “I feel sad because you did that.” We use our language in many different ways to trick ourselves into believing that our feelings result from what others do.
cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.
Rather than going up to our head to make a mental analysis of wrongness regarding somebody, we choose to connect to the life that is within us.
For example, if someone arrives late for an appointment and we need reassurance that she cares about us, we may feel hurt. If, instead, our need is to spend time purposefully and constructively, we may feel frustrated. But if our need is for thirty minutes of quiet solitude, we may be grateful for her tardiness and feel pleased. Thus, it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes our feeling.

**Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.*

All Anger Has a Life-serving Core

When we judge others, we contribute to violence.
Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met. To fully express anger requires full consciousness of our need.
Instead of engaging in “righteous indignation,” I recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others. This may take extensive practice, whereby over and over again, we consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they… ” with “I am angry because I am needing
Use anger as a wake-up call.
Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward punitive actions.
Reflecting deeply that evening on this experience, I recognized how I had labeled the first child in my mind as a “spoiled brat.” That image was in my head before his elbow ever caught my nose, and when it did, it was no longer simply an elbow hitting my nose. It was: “That obnoxious brat has no right to do this!” I had another judgment about the second child; I saw him as a “pathetic creature.” Since I had a tendency to worry about this child, even though my nose was hurting and bleeding much more severely, the second day I felt no rage at all.
it’s not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that produce my anger.

Stimulus versus Cause: Practical Implications

When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings.
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
We recall four options when hearing a difficult message: 1. Blame ourselves 2. Blame others 3. Sense our own feelings and needs 4. Sense others’ feelings and needs
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
With a broader perspective, however, we realize that each time our needs are met in this way, we not only lose, but we have contributed very tangibly to violence on the planet. We may have solved an immediate problem, but we will have created another one. The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future. So even if our present need is met in the sense that people do what we want, we will pay for it later.

Four Steps to Expressing Anger

Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

Offering Empathy First

The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.
Giving myself this empathy enabled me to then focus my attention on the humanness behind his message, after which the first words out of my mouth were, “Are you feeling… ?” I tried to empathize with him, to hear his pain. Why? Because I wanted to see the beauty in him, and I wanted for him to fully apprehend what I had experienced when he made his remark.
Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds, without judging them.
When we hear another person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.
Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.
People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault. I didn’t want him to hear blame, because I wanted him to know what had gone on in my heart when he uttered his remark.

Taking Our Time

As we have seen, our anger comes from judgments, labels, and thoughts of blame, of what people “should” do and what they “deserve.” List the judgments that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, “I don’t like people who are… ” Collect all such negative judgments in your head and then ask yourself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?” In this way, you train yourself to frame your thinking in terms of unmet needs rather than in terms of judgments of other people. Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need. Take your time.
To practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all. Learning the process and applying it both take time.
Summary Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger. If we wish to fully express anger, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger. Instead we shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. By expressing our needs, we are far more likely to get them met than by judging, blaming, or punishing others. The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgmental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. Sometimes, in between steps 3 and 4, we may choose to empathize with the other person so that he or she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves in step 4. We need to take our time both in learning and in applying the process of NVC.
11 Conflict Resolution and Mediation
Whatever the situation may be, resolving conflicts involves all the principles I outlined previously in this book: observing, identifying and expressing feelings, connecting feelings with needs, and making doable requests of another person using clear, concrete, positive action language.

Human Connection

Creating a connection between people is the most important thing.

NVC Conflict Resolution versus Traditional Mediation

When you make the connection, the problem usually solves itself.

On Needs, Strategies, and Analysis

needs are the resources life requires to sustain itself. We all have physical needs: air, water, food, rest. And we have psychological needs such as understanding, support, honesty, and meaning. I believe that all people basically have the same needs regardless of nationality, religion, gender, income, education, etc.
We hone our skills to hear the need within every message, even if at first we have to rely on guesses.
If we are able to truly hear their need, a new level of connection is forged—a critical piece that moves the conflict toward successful resolution.
Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them.
In stating that her husband didn’t want her to spend any money, the wife was identifying what I call a strategy. Even if she had been accurate in guessing her husband’s strategy, she had nowhere identified his need. Here again is the key distinction. By my definition, a need doesn’t refer to a specific action, such as spending or not spending money.
Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.
When either side hears itself criticized, diagnosed, or interpreted, the energy of the situation will likely turn toward self-defense and counter-accusations rather than toward resolution.

Empathy to Ease the Pain That Prevents Hearing

People often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said.

Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict

The clearer we are regarding the response we want right now from the other party, the more effectively we move the conflict toward resolution.

Using Action Verbs

Maintaining respect is a key element in successful conflict resolution.

NVC and the Mediator Role

The objective is not to get the parties to do what we want them to do.

Informal Mediation: Sticking Our Nose in Other People’s Business

Summary The use of NVC to resolve conflict differs from traditional mediation methods; instead of deliberating over issues, strategies, and means of compromise, we concentrate foremost on identifying the needs of both parties, and only then seek strategies to fulfill those needs. We start by forging a human connection between the parties in conflict. Then we ensure that both parties have the opportunity to fully express their needs, that they carefully listen to the other person’s needs, and that once the needs have been heard, they clearly express doable action steps to meet those needs. We avoid judging or analyzing the conflict and instead remain focused on needs. When one party is in too much pain to hear the needs of the other, we extend empathy, taking as long as necessary to ensure that the person knows their pain is heard. We do not hear “no” as a rejection but rather as an expression of the need that is keeping the person from saying “yes.” Only after all needs have been mutually heard, do we progress to the solutions stage: making doable requests using positive, action language. When we assume the role of mediating a conflict between two other parties, the same principles apply. In addition, we keep careful track of progress, extend empathy where needed, keep the conversation focused on the present, moving it forward, and interrupting where necessary to return to the process. With these tools and understanding, we can practice and help others resolve even long-standing conflicts to their mutual satisfaction.

12 The Protective Use of Force

The Thinking behind the Use of Force

The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn.

Types of Punitive Force

**Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying their parents’ demands.*

Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.

The Costs of Punishment

When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself. Instead, we are focusing upon the consequences, on what might happen if we fail to take that action.
When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.

Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment

**Question 1: What do I want this person to do? Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?*

The Protective Use of Force in Schools

Summary In situations where there is no opportunity for communication, such as in instances of imminent danger, we may need to resort to the protective use of force. The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice, never to punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent, or change. The punitive use of force tends to generate hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking. Punishment damages goodwill and self-esteem, and shifts our attention from the intrinsic value of an action to external consequences. Blaming and punishing fail to contribute to the motivations we would like to inspire in others.

13 Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others

Resolving Internal Conflicts

In his book The Revolution in Psychiatry, Ernest Becker attributes depression to “cognitively arrested alternatives.” This means that when we have a judgmental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.
She was asked to imagine the “career woman” voice taking an “NVC pill” in order to restate its message in the following form: “When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.”
The ability to hear our own feelings and needs and empathize with them can free us from depression.

Caring for Our Inner Environment

Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.
Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs.
Defuse stress by empathizing with others.

Replacing Diagnosis with NVC

Summary NVC enhances inner communication by helping us translate negative internal messages into feelings and needs. Our ability to distinguish our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression.By showing us how to focus on what we truly want rather than on what is wrong with others or ourselves, NVC gives us the tools and understanding to create a more peaceful state of mind. Professionals in counseling and psychotherapy may also use NVC to engender mutual and authentic relationships with their clients.

NVC in Action: Dealing with Resentment and Self-judgment

the more you become a connoisseur of gratitude, the less you are a victim of resentment, depression, and despair. Gratitude will act as an elixir that will gradually dissolve the hard shell of your ego—your need to possess and control—and transform you into a generous being. The sense of gratitude produces true spiritual alchemy, makes us magnanimous—large souled.—Sam Keen, philosopher

14 Expressing Appreciation in NVC

The Intention behind the Appreciation

Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.
Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.

The Three Components of Appreciation

the actions that have contributed to our well-being the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”

Receiving Appreciation

Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.

The Hunger for Appreciation

We tend to notice what’s wrong rather than what’s right.
If I’m ninety-eight percent perfect in anything I do, it’s the two percent I’ve messed up I’ll remember when I’m through.

Overcoming the Reluctance to Express Appreciation

Summary Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes intended to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration.We state (1) the action that has contributed to our well-being, (2) the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled, and (3) the feelings of pleasure engendered as a result. When we receive appreciation expressed in this way, we can do so without any feeling of superiority or false humility—instead we can celebrate along with the person who is offering the appreciation.

The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process

The Four-Part Nonviolent Communication Process Clearly expressing how I am without blaming or criticizing Empathically receiving how you are without hearing blame or criticism OBSERVATIONS 1. What I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine, free from my evaluations) that does or does not contribute to my well-being: “When I (see, hear)… ” 1. What you observe (see, hear, remember, imagine, free from your evaluations) that does or does not contribute to your well-being: “When you see/hear… ” (Sometimes unspoken when offering empathy) FEELINGS 2. How I feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) in relation to what I observe: “I feel… ” 2. How you feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) in relation to what you observe: “You feel…” NEEDS 3. What I need or value (rather than a preference, or a specific action) that causes my feelings: “… because I need/value… ” 3. What you need or value (rather than a preference, or a specific action) that causes your feelings: “… because you need/value…” Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life without demanding Empathically receiving that which would enrich your life without hearing any demand REQUESTS 4. The concrete actions I would like taken: “Would you be willing to… ?” 4. The concrete actions you would like taken: “Would you like… ?” (Sometimes unspoken when offering empathy)