The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi

How strongly I recommend this book: 9 / 10

Date read: July 29, 2023

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Summary

One of the first key ideas I took from this book is that most of our problems are, at their core, interpersonal relationship problems. It all comes down to how we compare ourselves to others and our search for recognition. A powerful solution the book offers is the “separation of tasks,” which states that most conflict arises because we get confused and interfere in other people’s tasks. This idea really helped me in my own relationships. Knowing whose task it is—who the ultimate beneficiary of an outcome is—can remove so much burden, especially if you’re the type of person who expresses themselves through acts of service.

Another big idea I really liked was the focus on teleology, the study of purpose, over etiology, the study of causation. With a teleological mindset, you reframe your perspective. For instance, instead of seeing your anxiety as being caused by past trauma, you might see it as something you are creating to achieve a goal, like avoiding an uncomfortable social situation. I found that to be a pretty interesting way to look at things.

One of the most important takeaways for me was that being disliked is a sign that you are exercising your freedom. The philosopher explains that while it’s certainly distressful to be disliked, conducting yourself in a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and it’s also impossible. I absolutely love that. This ties into the emphasis on building a “community feeling,” where you see other people as comrades, not competitors. By striving for horizontal relationships where you see people as your equals, rather than offering praise or rebuke from above, you can generate real happiness.

Finally, the book argues that true self-worth and confidence are derived from the feeling that you can contribute value to other people. These were some of my core takeaways from the book, and I highly recommend reading it.

Favorite Quotes and Chapter Notes

I went through my notes and captured key quotes from all chapters below.

P.S. – Highly recommend Readwise if you want to get the most out of your reading.

Highlights and Notes

Authors’ Note

• Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, and Alfred Adler are all giants in the world of psychology. This book is a distillation of Adler’s philosophical and psychological ideas and teachings, taking the form of a narrative dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. Adlerian psychology enjoys a broad base of support in Europe and the United States, and presents simple and straightforward answers to the philosophical question: How can one be happy? Adlerian psychology might hold the key. Reading this book could change your life.

Introduction

• None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to. The world you see is different from the one I see, and it’s impossible to share your world with anyone else.

Chapter 2: Why People Can Change

• PHILOSOPHER: Think about it this way. Your friend had the goal of not going out beforehand, and he’s been manufacturing a state of anxiety and fear as a means to achieve that goal. In Adlerian psychology, this is called“teleology.” YOUTH: You’re joking! My friend has imagined his anxiety and fear? So would you go so far as saying that my friend is just pretending to be sick? PHILOSOPHER: He is not pretending to be sick. The anxiety and fear your friend is feeling are real. On occasion, he might also suffer from migraines and violent stomach cramps. However, these too are symptoms that he has created in order to achieve the goal of not going out.

• PHILOSOPHER: No. This is the difference between etiology(the study of causation) and teleology(the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause). Everything you have been telling me is based in etiology. As long as we stay in etiology, we will not take a single step forward.

Chapter 3: Trauma Does Not Exist

• Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following:“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

• We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those past experiences. Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.

• PHILOSOPHER: The immediate thing would probably be the goal of“not going out.” He is creating anxiety and fear as his reasons to stay inside.

• PHILOSOPHER: If I stay in my room all the time, without ever going out, my parents will worry. I can get all of my parents’ attention focused on me. They’ll be extremely careful around me and always handle me with kid gloves. On the other hand, if I take even one step out of the house, I’ll just become part of a faceless mass whom no one pays attention to. I’ll be surrounded by people I don’t know and just end up average, or less than average. And no one will take special care of me any longer . . . Such stories about reclusive people are not uncommon.

• PHILOSOPHER: I doubt he’s satisfied, and I’m sure he’s not happy either. But there is no doubt that he is also taking action in line with his goal. This is not something that is unique to your friend. Every one of us is living in line with some goal. That is what teleology tells us.

Chapter 4: People Fabricate Anger

• PHILOSOPHER: No. You could have explained matters without raising your voice, and the waiter would most likely have given you a sincere apology, wiped your jacket with a clean cloth, and taken other appropriate measures. He might have even arranged for it to be dry-cleaned. And somewhere in your mind, you were anticipating that he might do these things but, even so, you shouted. The procedure of explaining things in normal words felt like too much trouble, and you tried to get out of that and make this unresisting person submit to you. The tool you used to do this was the emotion of anger.

• PHILOSOPHER: Don’t you see? In a word, anger is a tool that can be taken out as needed. It can be put away the moment the phone rings, and pulled out again after one hangs up. The mother isn’t yelling in anger she cannot control. She is simply using the anger to overpower her daughter with a loud voice and thereby assert her opinions.

Chapter 6: Socrates and Adler

• PHILOSOPHER: Why are you rushing for answers? You should arrive at answers on your own, not rely upon what you get from someone else. Answers from others are nothing more than stopgap measures; they’re of no value. Take Socrates, who left not one book actually written by himself. He spent his days having public debates with the citizens of Athens, especially the young, and it was his disciple, Plato, who put his philosophy into writing for future generations. Adler, too, showed little interest in literary activities, preferring to engage in personal dialogue at cafés in Vienna, and hold small discussion groups. He was definitely not an armchair intellectual. YOUTH: So Socrates and Adler both conveyed their ideas by dialogue? PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. All your doubts will be dispelled through this dialogue. And you will begin to change. Not by my words, but by your own doing. I do not want to take away that valuable process of arriving at answers through dialogue.

Chapter 7: Are You Okay Just As You Are?

• PHILOSOPHER: Look, no matter how much you want to be Y, you cannot be reborn as him. You are not Y. It’s okay for you to be you. However, I am not saying it’s fine to be“just as you are.” If you are unable to really feel happy, then it’s clear that things aren’t right just as they are. You’ve got to put one foot in front of the other, and not stop.

• PHILOSOPHER: To quote Adler again:“The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.”

Chapter 8: Unhappiness Is Something You Choose for Yourself

• YOUTH: I chose to be unhappy? How can I possibly accept that? PHILOSOPHER: There’s nothing extraordinary about it. It’s been repeated ever since the classical Greek era. Have you heard the saying“No one desires evil”? It’s a proposition generally known as a Socratic paradox.

• PHILOSOPHER: The Greek word for“good”(agathon) does not have a moral meaning. It just means“beneficial.” Conversely, the word for“evil”(kakon) means“not beneficial.” Our world is rife with injustices and misdeeds of all kinds, yet there is not one person who desires evil in the purest sense of the word, that is to say something“not beneficial.” YOUTH: What does this have to do with me? PHILOSOPHER: At some stage in your life, you chose“being unhappy.” It is not because you were born into unhappy circumstances or ended up in an unhappy situation. It’s that you judged“being unhappy” to be good for you.

Chapter 9: People Always Choose Not to Change

• PHILOSOPHER: Earlier you said that any person’s disposition or personality cannot be changed. In Adlerian psychology, we describe personality and disposition with the word“lifestyle.”

• PHILOSOPHER: How one sees the world. And how one sees oneself. Think of lifestyle as a concept bringing together these ways of finding meaning. In a narrow sense, lifestyle could be defined as someone’s personality; taken more broadly, it is a word that encompasses the worldview of that person and his or her outlook on life.

• PHILOSOPHER: Say there’s someone who worries about himself and says,“I am a pessimist.” One could rephrase that to instead say,“I have a pessimistic view of the world.” You could consider that the issue is not personality but rather the view of the world. It seems that the word“personality” is nuanced and suggests being unchangeable. But if we’re talking about a view of the world, well, then, that should be possible to alter.

• You probably think of disposition or personality as something with which you are endowed, without any connection to your will. In Adlerian psychology, however, lifestyle is thought of as something that you choose for yourself.

• PHILOSOPHER: Yes. Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage. Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.

Chapter 10: Your Life Is Decided Here and Now

• PHILOSOPHER: Yes. I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but he never seems to be able to complete his work. According to him, his job keeps him too busy, and he can never find enough time to write novels, and that’s why he can’t complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It’s actually that he wants to leave the possibility of“I can do it if I try” open, by not committing to anything. He doesn’t want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn’t want to face the reality that he might produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He wants to live inside that realm of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time, or that he could write if he just had the proper environment, and that he really does have the talent for it. In another five or ten years, he will probably start using other excuses like“I’m not young anymore” or“I’ve got a family to think about now.”

The Second Night: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

• THE SECOND NIGHT: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Chapter 11: Why You Dislike Yourself

• PHILOSOPHER: You’re wrong. You notice only your shortcomings because you’ve resolved to not start liking yourself. In order to not like yourself, you don’t see your strong points and focus only on your shortcomings. First, understand this point.

• PHILOSOPHER: When a client shows up requesting a cure from fear of blushing, the counselor must not cure the symptoms. Then recovery is likely to be even more difficult. That is the Adlerian psychology way of thinking about this kind of thing.

• And then you said,“I’m sure that no one would want to get involved with a guy as warped as me.” I’m sure you understand this already. Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you focus only on your shortcomings, and why have you decided to not start liking yourself? It’s because you are overly afraid of being disliked by other people and getting hurt in your interpersonal relationships.

Chapter 12: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

• PHILOSOPHER: Oh, but being alone isn’t what makes you feel lonely. Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them. To feel lonely, we need other people. That is to say, it is only in social contexts that a person becomes an“individual.”

• PHILOSOPHER: We can repeat it as many times as you like: All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. This is a concept that runs to the very root of Adlerian psychology. If all interpersonal relationships were gone from this world, which is to say if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.

• PHILOSOPHER: You were so afraid of interpersonal relationships that you came to dislike yourself. You’ve avoided interpersonal relationships by disliking yourself.

Chapter 13: Feelings of Inferiority Are Subjective Assumptions

• PHILOSOPHER: My feelings about my height were all subjective feelings of inferiority, which arose entirely through my comparing myself to others. That is to say, in my interpersonal relationships. Because if there hadn’t been anyone with whom to compare myself, I wouldn’t have had any occasion to think I was short. Right now, you too are suffering from various feelings of inferiority. But please understand that what you are feeling is not an objective inferiority but a subjective feeling of inferiority. Even with an issue like height, it’s all reduced to its subjectivity.

• Precisely because I am leaving it to subjectivity, the choice to view my height as either an advantage or disadvantage is left open to me.

• PHILOSOPHER: In other words, value is something that’s based on a social context. The value given to a one-dollar bill is not an objectively attributed value, though that might be a commonsense approach.

Chapter 14: An Inferiority Complex Is an Excuse

• Everyone is in this“condition of wanting to improve” that is the pursuit of superiority. One holds up various ideals or goals and heads toward them. However, on not being able to reach one’s ideals, one harbors a sense of being lesser.

• PHILOSOPHER: Adler is saying that the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth.

• The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse. So one thinks to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, or I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get married.

• PHILOSOPHER: The real issue is how one confronts that reality. If what you are thinking is, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, then instead of I can’t succeed, you should think, I don’t want to succeed.

Chapter 15: Braggarts Have Feelings of Inferiority

• PHILOSOPHER: But those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value systems—they are living other people’s lives. This is a point that must be emphasized.

• PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn’t feel the need to boast. It’s because one’s feeling of inferiority is strong that one boasts. One feels the need to flaunt one’s superiority all the more. There’s the fear that if one doesn’t do that, not a single person will accept one“the way I am.” This is a full-blown superiority complex.

• PHILOSOPHER: Yes. They use their misfortune to their advantage and try to control the other party with it. By declaring how unfortunate they are and how much they have suffered, they are trying to worry the people around them(their family and friends, for example), and to restrict their speech and behavior, and control them. The people I was talking about at the very beginning, who shut themselves up in their rooms, frequently indulge in feelings of superiority and use misfortune to their advantage. So much so that Adler himself pointed out,“In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.”

• But as long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to one’s advantage in order to be“special,” one will always need that misfortune.

Chapter 16: Life Is Not a Competition

• PHILOSOPHER: A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.

• PHILOSOPHER: Look, all of us are different. Gender, age, knowledge, experience, appearance—no two of us are exactly the same. Let’s acknowledge in a positive manner the fact that other people are different from us. And that we are not the same, but we are equal.

Chapter 17: You’re the Only One Worrying About Your Appearance

• PHILOSOPHER: It is connected with the subject of competition. Please remember that. If there is competition at the core of a person’s interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune.

• PHILOSOPHER: This is what is so terrifying about competition. Even if you’re not a loser, even if you’re someone who keeps on winning, if you are someone who has placed himself in competition, you will never have a moment’s peace. You don’t want to be a loser. And you always have to keep on winning if you don’t want to be a loser. You can’t trust other people. The reason so many people don’t really feel happy while they’re building up their success in the eyes of society is that they are living in competition. Because to them, the world is a perilous place that is overflowing with enemies.

• PHILOSOPHER: Earlier, didn’t you say,“I can’t celebrate other people’s happiness with all my heart”? You think of interpersonal relationships as competition; you perceive other people’s happiness as“my defeat,” and that is why you can’t celebrate it. However, once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears. One is also released from the fear that says, Maybe I will lose. And one becomes able to celebrate other people’s happiness with all one’s heart. One may become able to contribute actively to other people’s happiness. The person who always has the will to help another in times of need—that is someone who may properly be called your comrade.

• PHILOSOPHER: Now we come to the important part. When you are able to truly feel that“people are my comrades,” your way of looking at the world will change utterly. No longer will you think of the world as a perilous place, or be plagued by needless doubts; the world will appear before you as a safe and pleasant place. And your interpersonal relationship problems will decrease dramatically.

Chapter 18: From Power Struggle to Revenge

• If he becomes a delinquent, stops going to school, cuts his wrists, or things like that, the parents will be upset. They’ll panic and worry themselves sick over him. It is in the knowledge that this will happen that the child engages in problem behavior. So that the current goal(revenge on the parents) can be realized, not because he is motivated by past causes(home environment).

Chapter 19: Admitting Fault Is Not Defeat

• PHILOSOPHER: The first thing that I want you to understand here is the fact that anger is a form of communication, and that communication is nevertheless possible without using anger. We can convey our thoughts and intentions and be accepted without any need for anger. If you learn to understand this experientially, the anger emotion will stop appearing all on its own.

• PHILOSOPHER: I am right. That is to say, the other party is wrong. At that point, the focus of the discussion shifts from“the rightness of the assertions” to“the state of the interpersonal relationship.” In other words, the conviction that“I am right” leads to the assumption that“this person is wrong,” and finally it becomes a contest and you are thinking, I have to win. It’s a power struggle through and through.

Chapter 20: Overcoming the Tasks That Face You in Life

• There are the following two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. And there are the following two objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviors: the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades . . .

• Adler made three categories of the interpersonal relationships that arise out of these processes. He referred to them as“tasks of work,”“tasks of friendship,” and“tasks of love,” and all together as“life tasks.”

• PHILOSOPHER: The interpersonal relationships that a single individual has no choice but to confront when attempting to live as a social being—these are the life tasks. They are indeed tasks in the sense that one has no choice but to confront them.

• PHILOSOPHER: First, let’s look at the tasks of work. Regardless of the kind of work, there is no work that can be completed all by oneself.

Chapter 21: Red String and Rigid Chains

• PHILOSOPHER: This is a friend relationship in a broader sense, away from work, as there is none of the compulsion of the workplace. It is a relationship that is difficult to initiate or deepen.

• PHILOSOPHER: Think of it as divided into two stages: one, what are known as love relationships; and two, relationships with family, in particular parent-child relationships. We have discussed work and friendship, but of the three tasks, most likely it is the task of love that is the most difficult.

• PHILOSOPHER: No, I am not affirming someone having an affair. Think about it this way: The kind of relationship that feels somehow oppressive and strained when the two people are together cannot be called love, even if there is passion. When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt one’s superiority. That is what real love is like. Restriction, on the other hand, is a manifestation of the mind-set of attempting to control one’s partner, and also an idea founded on a sense of distrust. Being in the same space with someone who distrusts you isn’t a natural situation that one can put up with, is it? As Adler says,“If two people want to live together on good terms, they must treat each other as equal personalities.”

• It is fundamentally impossible for a person to live life completely alone, and it is only in social contexts that the person becomes an“individual.” That is why in Adlerian psychology, self-reliance as an individual and cooperation within society are put forth as overarching objectives. Then, how can one achieve these objectives? On this point, Adler speaks of surmounting the three tasks of work, friendship, and love, the tasks of the interpersonal relationships that a living person has no choice but to confront.

Chapter 22: Don’t Fall for the “Life-Lie”

• In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when, after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does. For instance, she doesn’t care for the way he eats; his slovenly appearance at home fills her with revulsion, and even his snoring sets her off. Even though until a few months ago, none of it had ever bothered her before.

• PHILOSOPHER: The person feels this way because at some stage she has resolved to herself, I want to end this relationship, and she has been looking around for the material with which to end it. The other person hasn’t changed at all. It is her own goal that has changed.

• Adler called the state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks the“life-lie.”

• One shifts one’s responsibility for the situation one is currently in to someone else. One is running away from one’s life tasks by saying that everything is the fault of other people, or the fault of one’s environment.

• PHILOSOPHER: Yes. Even if you are avoiding your life tasks and clinging to your life-lies, it isn’t because you are steeped in evil. It is not an issue to be condemned from a moralistic standpoint. It is only an issue of courage.

Chapter 25: Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others

• PHILOSOPHER: If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise. If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment. Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment. It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too. You already have the goal of wanting to be praised when you start picking up litter. And if you aren’t praised by anyone, you’ll either be indignant or decide that you’ll never do such a thing again. Clearly, there’s something wrong with this situation.

• PHILOSOPHER: When trying to be recognized by others, almost all people treat satisfying other people’s expectations as the means to that end. And that is in accordance with the stream of thought of reward-and-punishment education that says one will be praised if one takes appropriate action. If, for example, the main point of your job turns out to be satisfying other people’s expectations, then that job is going to be very hard on you. Because you’ll always be worried about other people looking at you and fear their judgment, and you are repressing your“I-ness.” It might come as a surprise to you, but almost none of my clients who come for counseling are selfish people. Rather, they are suffering trying to meet the expectations of other people, the expectations of their parents and teachers. So, in a good way, they can’t behave in a self-centered fashion.

• YOUTH: So I should be selfish? PHILOSOPHER: Do not behave without regard for others. To understand this, it is necessary to understand the idea in Adlerian psychology known as“separation of tasks.”

Chapter 26: How to Separate Tasks

• PHILOSOPHER: Studying is the child’s task. A parent’s handling of that by commanding the child to study is, in effect, an act of intruding on another person’s task. One is unlikely to avert a collision in this way. We need to think with the perspective of“Whose task is this?” and continually separate one’s own tasks from other people’s tasks.

• PHILOSOPHER: In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.

• PHILOSOPHER: There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made? When the child has made the choice of not studying, ultimately, the result of that decision—not being able to keep up in class or to get into the preferred school, for instance—does not have to be received by the parents. Clearly, it is the child who has to receive it. In other words, studying is the child’s task.

• PHILOSOPHER: It’s true that one often hears parents today using the phrase“It’s for your own good.” But they are clearly doing so in order to fulfill their own goals, which could be their appearance in the eyes of society, their need to put on airs, or their desire for control, for example. In other words, it is not“for your own good” but for the parents’. And it is because the child senses this deception that he rebels.

• PHILOSOPHER: One has to pay attention. Adlerian psychology does not recommend the noninterference approach. Noninterference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what the child is doing. Instead, it is by knowing what the child is doing that one protects him. If it’s studying that is the issue, one tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study. But one must not intrude on the child’s task. When no requests are being made, it does not do to meddle in things.

• PHILOSOPHER: Naturally, one gives all the assistance one possibly can. But beyond that, one doesn’t intrude. Remember the old saying,“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” Please think of counseling and all other assistance provided to other people in Adlerian psychology as having that kind of stance. Forcing change while ignoring the person’s intentions will only lead to an intense reaction.

Chapter 27: Discard Other People’s Tasks

• PHILOSOPHER: A parent suffering over the relationship with his or her child will tend to think, My child is my life. In other words, the parent is taking on the child’s task as his or her own and is no longer able to think about anything but the child. When at last the parent notices it, the“I” is already gone from his or her life. However, no matter how much of the burden of the child’s task one carries, the child is still an independent individual. Children do not become what their parents want them to become. In their choices of university, place of employment, and partner in marriage, and even in the everyday subtleties of speech and conduct, they do not act according to their parents’ wishes. Naturally, the parents will worry about them, and probably want to intervene at times. But, as I said earlier, other people are not living to satisfy your expectations. Though the child is one’s own, he or she is not living to satisfy one’s expectations as a parent.

• YOUTH: So you have to draw the line even with family? PHILOSOPHER: Actually, with families there is less distance, so it’s all the more necessary to consciously separate the tasks.

• PHILOSOPHER: Look, the act of believing is also the separation of tasks. You believe in your partner; that is your task. But how that person acts with regard to your expectations and trust is other people’s tasks. When you push your wishes without having drawn that line, before you know it you’re engaging in stalker-like intervention. Suppose your partner did not act as you had wished. Would you still be able to believe in that person? Would you still be able to love that person? The task of love that Adler speaks of is composed of such questions.

• PHILOSOPHER: Of course it is. But think about it this way: Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. If you are leading a life of worry and suffering—which stems from interpersonal relationships—learn the boundary of“From here on, that is not my task.” And discard other people’s tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.

Chapter 28: How to Rid Yourself of Interpersonal Relationship Problems

• PHILOSOPHER: That is what separating is. You are worried about other people looking at you. You are worried about being judged by other people. That is why you are constantly craving recognition from others. Now, why are you worried about other people looking at you, anyway? Adlerian psychology has an easy answer. You haven’t done the separation of tasks yet. You assume that even things that should be other people’s tasks are your own. Remember the words of the grandmother:“You’re the only one who’s worried how you look.” Her remark drives right to the heart of the separation of tasks. What other people think when they see your face—that is the task of other people and is not something you have any control over.

• PHILOSOPHER: This is a discussion that is concerned with the fundamentals of Adlerian psychology. If you are angry, nothing will sink in. You think, I’ve got that boss, so I can’t work. This is complete etiology. But it’s really, I don’t want to work, so I’ll create an awful boss, or I don’t want to acknowledge my incapable self, so I’ll create an awful boss. That would be the teleological way of looking at it.

• PHILOSOPHER: We are all suffering in interpersonal relationships. It might be the relationship with one’s parents or one’s elder brother, and it might be the interpersonal relationships at one’s workplace. Now, last time, you were saying that you wanted some specific steps. This is what I propose. First, one should ask,“Whose task is this?” Then do the separation of tasks. Calmly delineate up to what point one’s own tasks go, and from what point they become another person’s tasks. And do not intervene in other people’s tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in one’s own tasks. This is a specific and revolutionary viewpoint that is unique to Adlerian psychology and contains the potential to utterly change one’s interpersonal relationship problems.

Chapter 29: Cut the Gordian Knot

• PHILOSOPHER: For instance, when reading a book, if one brings one’s face too close to it, one cannot see anything. In the same way, forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance. When the distance gets too small and people become stuck together, it becomes impossible to even speak to each other. But the distance must not be too great, either.

• As Adler says,“Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.”

Chapter 30: Desire for Recognition Makes You Unfree

• PHILOSOPHER: Separating one’s tasks is not an egocentric thing. Intervening in other people’s tasks is essentially an egocentric way of thinking, however. Parents force their children to study; they meddle in their life and marriage choices. That is nothing other than an egocentric way of thinking.

Chapter 31: What Real Freedom Is

• PHILOSOPHER: A stone is powerless. Once it has begun to roll downhill, it will continue to roll until released from the natural laws of gravity and inertia. But we are not stones. We are beings who are capable of resisting inclination. We can stop our tumbling selves and climb uphill. The desire for recognition is probably a natural desire. So are you going to keep rolling downhill in order to receive recognition from others? Are you going to wear yourself down like a rolling stone, until everything is smoothed away? When all that is left is a little round ball, would that be“the real I”? It cannot be.

• PHILOSOPHER: It’s that you are disliked by someone. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.

• PHILOSOPHER: It is certainly distressful to be disliked. If possible, one would like to live without being disliked by anyone. One wants to satisfy one’s desire for recognition. But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one’s freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.

• Unless one is unconcerned by other people’s judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one’s own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free.

• PHILOSOPHER: One neither prepares to be self-righteous nor becomes defiant. One just separates tasks. There may be a person who does not think well of you, but that is not your task. And again, thinking things like He should like me or I’ve done all this, so it’s strange that he doesn’t like me, is the reward-oriented way of thinking of having intervened in another person’s tasks. One moves forward without fearing the possibility of being disliked.

• PHILOSOPHER: The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.

Chapter 32: You Hold the Cards to Interpersonal Relationships

• PHILOSOPHER: I think that until I encountered Adlerian psychology, I understood it in that kind of way. Because my father was a moody, taciturn person. But to think to myself, He hit me that time, and that is why our relationship went bad, is a Freudian etiological way of thinking. The Adlerian teleology position completely reverses the cause-and-effect interpretation. That is to say, I brought out the memory of being hit because I don’t want my relationship with my father to get better.

Chapter 34: The Goal of Interpersonal Relationships Is a Feeling of Community

• If other people are our comrades, and we live surrounded by them, we should be able to find in that life our own place of“refuge.” Moreover, in doing so, we should begin to have the desire to share with our comrades, to contribute to the community. This sense of others as comrades, this awareness of“having one’s own refuge,” is called“community feeling.”

• PHILOSOPHER: As I have been saying all along, Adlerian psychology has the view that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Interpersonal relations are the source of unhappiness. And the opposite can be said, too—interpersonal relations are the source of happiness.

• PHILOSOPHER: Furthermore, community feeling is the most important index for considering a state of interpersonal relations that is happy.

Chapter 36: You Are Not the Center of the World

• PHILOSOPHER: One faces one’s life tasks. In other words, one takes steps forward on one’s own, without avoiding the tasks of the interpersonal relations of work, friendship, and love. If you are“the center of the world,” you will have no thoughts whatsoever regarding commitment to the community; because everyone else is“someone who will do something for me,” and there is no need for you to do things yourself. But you are not the center of the world, and neither am I. One has to stand on one’s own two feet, and take one’s own steps forward with the tasks of interpersonal relations. One needs to think not, What will this person give me? but rather, What can I give to this person? That is commitment to the community.

Chapter 37: Listen to the Voice of a Larger Community

• PHILOSOPHER: I am sure you are right—it would not be easy. Therefore, there is a principle of action that I would like you to commit to memory. When we run into difficulties in our interpersonal relations, or when we can no longer see a way out, what we should consider first and foremost is the principle that says,“Listen to the voice of the larger community.” YOUTH: The voice of the larger community? PHILOSOPHER: If it is a school, one does not judge things with the common sense of the community that is the school, but instead follows the common sense of a larger community. Now, let’s say it’s your school, and your teacher has been behaving in an authoritarian manner. But the power or authority your teacher wields are nothing more than an aspect of the common sense that operates only within the small community that is the school. From the standpoint of the community that is“human society,” both you and your teacher are equal humans. If unreasonable demands are being thrust on you, it is fine to object to them directly.

• Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.

Chapter 38: Do Not Rebuke or Praise

• PHILOSOPHER: Yes, you’ve hit on the important point. How does carrying out the separating of tasks connect with good relations? That is to say, how does it connect with building the kind of relations in which we cooperate and act in harmony with each other? Which brings us to the concept of“horizontal relationship.”

• PHILOSOPHER: Exactly. In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being“the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability.” A mother praises her child who has helped her prepare dinner, saying,“You’re such a good helper!” But when her husband does the same things, you can be sure she won’t be telling him,“You’re such a good helper!”

• PHILOSOPHER: In other words, the mother who praises the child by saying things like“You’re such a good helper!” or“Good job!” or“Well, aren’t you something!” is unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship and seeing the child as beneath her. The example of animal training that you just gave is also emblematic of the hierarchical relationship—the vertical relationship—that is behind the praising. When one person praises another, the goal is“to manipulate someone who has less ability than you.” It is not done out of gratitude or respect.

• YOUTH: So you’re saying that one praises in order to manipulate? PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Whether we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is one of the carrot or the stick, and the background goal is manipulation. The reason Adlerian psychology is highly critical of reward-and-punishment education is that its intention is to manipulate children.

• PHILOSOPHER: One wishes to be praised by someone. Or conversely, one decides to give praise to someone. This is proof that one is seeing all interpersonal relationships as“vertical relationships.” This holds true for you, too: It is because you are living in vertical relationships that you want to be praised. Adlerian psychology refutes all manner of vertical relationships and proposes that all interpersonal relationships be horizontal relationships. In a sense, this point may be regarded as the fundamental principle of Adlerian psychology.

Chapter 39: The Encouragement Approach

• YOUTH: What is the difference between intervention and assistance? PHILOSOPHER: Think back to our discussion of the separation of tasks, to the subject of a child’s schoolwork. As I stated then, this is a task that the child has to resolve himself, not something that parents or teachers can do for him. So intervention is this kind of intruding on other people’s tasks and directing them by saying things like“You have to study” or“Get into that university.” Whereas assistance, on the other hand, presupposes the separation of tasks, and also horizontal relationships. Having understood that studying is the child’s task, one considers what one can do for him. Concretely speaking, instead of commanding from above that the child must study, one acts on him in such a way that he can gain the confidence to take care of his own studies and face his tasks on his own. YOUTH: And that action isn’t forced? PHILOSOPHER: No, it’s not. Without forcing, and with the tasks always kept separate, one assists the child to resolve them by his own efforts. It’s the approach of“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” He is the one who has to face his tasks, and he is the one who makes the resolution. YOUTH: So you neither praise nor rebuke? PHILOSOPHER: That’s right, one neither praises nor rebukes. This kind of assistance, which is based on horizontal relationships, is referred to in Adlerian psychology as“encouragement.”

• PHILOSOPHER: Shall I repeat myself? The more one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that one has no ability. Please do your best to remember this. YOUTH: Do such foolish people even exist? It’s got to be the other way around! It is as a result of being praised that one becomes truly aware of one’s ability. Isn’t that obvious? PHILOSOPHER: You are wrong. Even if you do derive joy from being praised, it is the same as being dependent on vertical relationships and acknowledging that you have no ability. Because giving praise is a judgment that is passed by a person of ability onto a person without ability. YOUTH: I just cannot agree with that. PHILOSOPHER: When receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s system of values. Looking at your life until now, aren’t you tired of trying to live up to your parents’ expectations?

Chapter 40: How to Feel You Have Value

• PHILOSOPHER: Yes. The most important thing is to not judge other people.“Judgment” is a word that comes out of vertical relationships. If one is building horizontal relationships, there will be words of more straightforward gratitude and respect and joy.

• PHILOSOPHER: Well, what does a person have to do to get courage? In Adler’s view,“It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.”

• PHILOSOPHER: That one can act on the community, that is to say, on other people, and that one can feel“I am of use to someone.” Instead of feeling judged by another person as“good,” being able to feel, by way of one’s own subjective viewpoint, that“I can make contributions to other people.” It is at that point that, at last, we can have a true sense of our own worth. Everything we have been discussing about community feeling and encouragement connects here.

• The discussion of community feeling had become more confusing than ever. One must not praise. And one must not rebuke, either. All words that are used to judge other people are words that come out of vertical relationships, and we need to build horizontal relationships. And it is only when one is able to feel that one is of use to someone that one can have a true awareness of one’s worth.

Chapter 41: Exist in the Present

• PHILOSOPHER: There are parents who refute my explanation of the concept of encouragement by saying,“Our child does bad things from morning to night, and there is never an occasion to tell him, ‘Thank you,’ or ‘You helped a lot.’ ” The context is probably the same as what you are talking about, isn’t it? YOUTH: Yes, it is. So tell me please how you justify that. PHILOSOPHER: At this point, you are looking at another person on the level of his acts. In other words, that that person“did something.” So from that point of view, it might seem that bedridden old people are only a nuisance and are of no use to anyone. So let’s look at other people not on the“level of acts” but on the“level of being.” Without judging whether or not other people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence, and one calls out to them with words of gratitude.

• YOUTH: Okay, but I’d say that’s just an idealistic approach. So are you saying that even with the kind of child who never goes to school or gets a job, but just shuts himself in and stays home, one should still communicate one’s gratitude and say thank you? PHILOSOPHER: Of course. Suppose your shut-in child helped you wash the dishes after a meal. If you were to say then,“Enough of that already—just go to school,” you would be using the words of such parents who detract from an image of an ideal child. If you were to take such an approach, the child would probably end up even more discouraged. However, if you can say a straightforward thank you, the child just might feel his own worth and take a new step forward.

Chapter 42: People Cannot Make Proper Use of Self

• PHILOSOPHER: This is a very important point. Does one build vertical relationships, or does one build horizontal relationships? This is an issue of lifestyle, and human beings are not so clever as to be able to have different lifestyles available whenever the need arises. In other words, deciding that one is“equal to this person” or“in a hierarchical relationship with that person” does not work. YOUTH: Do you mean that one has to choose one or the other—vertical relationships or horizontal relationships? PHILOSOPHER: Absolutely, yes. If you are building even one vertical relationship with someone, before you even notice what is happening, you will be treating all your interpersonal relations as vertical. YOUTH: So I am treating even my relationships with my friends as vertical? PHILOSOPHER: That is correct. Even if you are not treating them in a boss-or-subordinate kind of way, it is as if you are saying,“A is above me, and B is below me,” for example, or“I’ll follow A’s advice, but ignore what B says,” or“I don’t mind breaking my promise to C.” YOUTH: Hmm! PHILOSOPHER: On the other hand, if one has managed to build a horizontal relationship with at least one person—if one has been able to build a relationship of equals in the true sense of the term—that is a major lifestyle transformation. With that breakthrough, all one’s interpersonal relations will gradually become horizontal.

• PHILOSOPHER: Suppose that as a result of following your boss’s instructions, your work ends in failure. Whose responsibility is it then? YOUTH: Well, that’d be my boss’s responsibility. Because I was just following orders, and he was the one who decided on them. PHILOSOPHER: None of the responsibility is yours? YOUTH: No, it isn’t. It’s the responsibility of the boss who gave the orders. This is what’s known as organizational accountability. PHILOSOPHER: You are wrong. That is a life-lie. There is space for you to refuse, and there should also be space to propose a better way of doing things. You are just thinking there is no space to refuse so that you can avoid the conflict of the associated interpersonal relations and avoid responsibility—and you are being dependent on vertical relationships.

Chapter 44: Not Self-Affirmation—Self-Acceptance

• PHILOSOPHER: It’s about community feeling, after all. Concretely speaking, it’s making the switch from attachment to self(self-interest) to concern for others(social interest) and gaining a sense of community feeling. Three things are needed at this point:“self-acceptance,”“confidence in others,” and“contribution to others.”

• PHILOSOPHER: Let’s start with self-acceptance. On our first night, I brought up that statement of Adler’s:“The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.” Do you remember this? YOUTH: Yes, of course. PHILOSOPHER: We cannot discard the receptacle that is the“I,” and neither can we replace it. The important thing, however, is“what use one makes of that equipment.” One changes one’s way of looking at the“I”—that is to say, one changes how one uses it.

• YOUTH: Not self-affirmation, but self-acceptance? PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. There is a clear difference. Self-affirmation is making suggestions to oneself, such as“I can do it” or“I am strong,” even when something is simply beyond one’s ability. It is a notion that can bring about a superiority complex, and may even be termed a way of living in which one lies to oneself. With self-acceptance, on the other hand, if one cannot do something, one is simply accepting“one’s incapable self” as is and moving forward so that one can do whatever one can. It is not a way of lying to oneself. To put it more simply, say you’ve got a score of 60 percent, but you tell yourself, I just happened to get unlucky this time around, and the real me is 100 percent. That is self-affirmation. By contrast, if one accepts oneself as one is, as 60 percent, and thinks to oneself, How should I go about getting closer to 100 percent?—that is self-acceptance.

• YOUTH: What one can change, and what one cannot. PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept“this me” just as it is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance.

• Kurt Vonnegut quoted in one of his books:“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” It’s in the novel Slaughterhouse-Five.

Chapter 45: The Difference Between Trust and Confidence

• PHILOSOPHER: By contrast, from the standpoint of Adlerian psychology, the basis of interpersonal relations is founded not on trust but on confidence. YOUTH: And“confidence” in this case is . . . ? PHILOSOPHER: It is doing without any set conditions whatsoever when believing in others. Even if one does not have sufficient objective grounds for trusting someone, one believes. One believes unconditionally without concerning oneself with such things as security. That is confidence. YOUTH: Believing unconditionally? So it’s back to your pet notion of neighborly love? PHILOSOPHER: Of course, if one believes in others without setting any conditions whatsoever, there will be times when one gets taken advantage of. Just like the guarantor of a debt, there are times when one may suffer damages. The attitude of continuing to believe in someone even in such instances is what we call confidence.

• PHILOSOPHER: No, it is not. What would you say is the opposite of confidence? YOUTH: An antonym of confidence? Uh . . . PHILOSOPHER: It is doubt. Suppose you have placed“doubt” at the foundation of your interpersonal relations. That you live your life doubting other people—doubting your friends and even your family and those you love. What sort of relationship could possibly arise from that? The other person will detect the doubt in your eyes in an instant. He or she will have an instinctive understanding that“this person does not have confidence in me.” Do you think one would be able to build some kind of positive relationship from that point? It is precisely because we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence that it is possible for us to build a deep relationship. YOUTH: Okay, I guess. PHILOSOPHER: The way to understand Adlerian psychology is simple. Right now, you are thinking, If I were to have confidence in someone unconditionally, I would just get taken advantage of. However, you are not the one who decides whether or not to take advantage. That is the other person’s task. All you need to do is think, What should I do? If you are telling yourself, I’ll give it to him if he isn’t going take advantage of me, it is just a relationship of trust that is based on security or conditions. YOUTH: So one separates tasks there, too? PHILOSOPHER: Yes. As I have stated repeatedly, carrying out the separation of tasks returns life to an astonishingly simple form. But while the principle of the separation of tasks is easy to grasp, putting it into practice is difficult. I recognize that.

• YOUTH: You’re saying that taking advantage of someone is the other person’s task, and one can’t do anything about it? That I should be resigned, in an affirmative way? Your arguments always ignore our emotions. What does one do about all the anger and sadness one feels when one is taken advantage of? PHILOSOPHER: When one is sad, one should be sad to one’s heart’s content. It is precisely when one tries to escape the pain and sadness that one gets stuck and ceases to be able to build deep relationships with anyone. Think about it this way. We can believe. And we can doubt. But we are aspiring to see others as our comrades. To believe or to doubt—the choice should be clear.

Chapter 46: The Essence of Work Is a Contribution to the Common Good

• YOUTH: In other words, you’re saying that to feel“it’s okay to be here,” one has to see others as comrades. And that to see others as comrades, one needs both self-acceptance and confidence in others.

• PHILOSOPHER: Of course, community feeling is not something that is attainable with just self-acceptance and confidence in others. It is at this point that the third key concept—contribution to others—becomes necessary. YOUTH: Contribution to others? PHILOSOPHER: Is to act, in some way, on one’s comrades. To attempt to contribute. That is“contribution to others.”

Chapter 47: Young People Walk Ahead of Adults

• Instead of thinking about what others can do for me, I want to think about, and put into practice, what I can do for other people. Just by having that feeling of contribution, the reality right in front of me will take on a completely different hue. In fact, if I am grumbling to myself as I wash the dishes, I am probably not much fun to be around, so everyone just wants to keep their distance. On the other hand, if I’m humming away to myself and washing the dishes in good spirits, the children might come and give me a hand. At the very least, I’d be creating an atmosphere in which it is easier for them to offer their help.

• PHILOSOPHER: Now, how come I have a feeling of contribution in that setting? I have it because I am able to think of the members of my family as comrades. If I cannot do that, inevitably there will be thoughts running through my head like, Why am I the only one doing this? and Why won’t anyone give me a hand? Contribution that is carried out while one is seeing other people as enemies may indeed lead to hypocrisy. But if other people are one’s comrades, that should never happen, regardless of the contributions one makes.

• PHILOSOPHER: For the sake of convenience, up to this point I have discussed self-acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others, in that order. However, these three are linked as an indispensable whole, in a sort of circular structure. It is because one accepts oneself just as one is—one self-accepts—that one can have“confidence in others” without the fear of being taken advantage of. And it is because one can place unconditional confidence in others, and feel that people are one’s comrades, that one can engage in“contribution to others.” Further, it is because one contributes to others that one can have the deep awareness that“I am of use to someone” and accept oneself just as one is. One can self-accept.

• “The two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. The two objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviors: the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades.” PHILOSOPHER: If you overlap the content of this note with what we have just been discussing, you should be able to gain a deeper understanding. In other words,“to be self-reliant” and“the consciousness that I have the ability” correspond to our discussion of self-acceptance. And then“to live in harmony with society” and“the consciousness that people are my comrades” connect to confidence in others and then to contribution to others.

• PHILOSOPHER: It is even said that to truly understand Adlerian psychology and apply it to actually changing one’s way of living, one needs“half the number of years one has lived.” In other words, if you were to start studying it at the age of forty, it would take another twenty years, until you turned sixty. If you were to start studying at the age of twenty, it would take ten years, until you turned thirty. You are still young. Starting at such an early stage in life means that you might be able to change more quickly. In the sense that you can change quickly, you are walking ahead of the adults of the world. To go about changing yourself and making a new world, in a way you are ahead of me, too. It is okay to lose your way or lose focus. Do not be dependent on vertical relationships or be afraid of being disliked, and just make your way forward freely.

Chapter 48: Workaholism Is a Life-Lie

• PHILOSOPHER: In the teachings of Judaism, one finds the following anecdote:“If there are ten people, one will be someone who criticizes you no matter what you do. This person will come to dislike you, and you will not learn to like him either. Then, there will be two others who accept everything about you and whom you accept too, and you will become close friends with them. The remaining seven people will be neither of these types.” Now, do you focus on the one person who dislikes you? Do you pay more attention to the two who love you? Or would you focus on the crowd, the other seven? A person who is lacking in harmony of life will see only the one person he dislikes and will make a judgment of the world from that.

• PHILOSOPHER: People who suffer from stammering are looking at only a part of things but judging the whole. With workaholics, the focus is solely on one specific aspect of life. They probably try to justify that by saying,“It’s busy at work, so I don’t have enough time to think about my family.” But this is a life-lie. They are simply trying to avoid their other responsibilities by using work as an excuse. One ought to concern oneself with everything, from household chores and child-rearing to one’s friendships and hobbies and so on. Adler does not recognize ways of living in which certain aspects are unusually dominant.

• PHILOSOPHER: Such a father has probably been able to recognize his own worth only on the level of acts. He works all those hours, brings in enough money to support a family, and is recognized by society—and, on that basis, he views himself as having greater worth than the other members of his family. For each and every one of us, however, there comes a time when one can no longer serve as the provider. When one gets older and reaches retirement age, for example, one may have no choice but to live off one’s pension or support from one’s children. Even when one is young, injury or poor health can lead to being unable work any longer. On such occasions, those who can accept themselves only on the level of acts are severely damaged.

Chapter 49: You Can Be Happy Now

• PHILOSOPHER: For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself. Adler came up with an extremely simple answer to address this reality. Namely, that the feeling of“I am beneficial to the community” or“I am of use to someone” is the only thing that can give one a true awareness that one has worth. YOUTH: Do you mean the“contribution to others” you mentioned earlier? PHILOSOPHER: Yes. And this is an important point: When we speak of contribution to others, it doesn’t matter if the contribution is not a visible one. YOUTH: It doesn’t matter if the contribution is not a visible one? PHILOSOPHER: You are not the one who decides if your contributions are of use. That is the task of other people, and is not an issue in which you can intervene. In principle, there is not even any way you can know whether you have really made a contribution. That is to say, when we are engaging in this contribution to others, the contribution does not have to be a visible one—all we need is the subjective sense that“I am of use to someone,” or in other words, a feeling of contribution.

• In a word, happiness is the feeling of contribution. That is the definition of happiness.

• PHILOSOPHER: If one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others. Because one will already have the real awareness that“I am of use to someone,” without needing to go out of one’s way to be acknowledged by others. In other words, a person who is obsessed with the desire for recognition does not have any community feeling yet, and has not managed to engage in self-acceptance, confidence in others, or contribution to others. YOUTH: So if one just has community feeling, the desire for recognition will disappear? PHILOSOPHER: Yes, it will disappear. There is no need for recognition from others.

• The philosopher’s points could be summed up as follows: People can be truly aware of their worth only when they are able to feel“I am of use to someone.” However, it doesn’t matter if the contribution one makes at such a time is without any visible form. It is enough to have the subjective sense of being of use to someone, that is to say, a feeling of contribution. And then the philosopher arrives at the following conclusion: Happiness is the feeling of contribution. There certainly seemed to be aspects of the truth there. But is that really all that happiness is? Not if it’s the happiness I’m searching for!

Chapter 50: Two Paths Traveled by Those Wanting to Be “Special Beings”

• PHILOSOPHER: There are many children who, in their early stages, try to be especially good. In particular, they obey their parents, comport themselves in a socially acceptable manner, apply themselves assiduously to their studies and in sports, and excel in extracurricular activities as well. In this way, they try to get their parents to acknowledge them. However, when being especially good does not work out—their studies or sports don’t go well, for example—they do an about-face and try to be especially bad. YOUTH: Why do they do that? PHILOSOPHER: Whether they are trying to be especially good, or trying to be especially bad, the goal is the same: to attract the attention of other people, get out of the“normal” condition and become a“special being.” That is their only goal. YOUTH: Hmm. All right, please go on. PHILOSOPHER: In any case, whether it is one’s studies or one’s participation in sports, either way one needs to make a constant effort if one is to produce any kind of significant results. But the children who try to be especially bad—that is to say, the ones who engage in problem behavior—are endeavoring to attract the attention of other people even as they continue to avoid any such healthy effort. In Adlerian psychology, this is referred to as the“pursuit of easy superiority.” Take, for example, the problem child who disrupts lessons by throwing erasers or speaking in a loud voice. He is certain to get the attention of his friends and teachers. Even if it is something that is limited to that place, he will probably succeed in becoming a special being. But that is a pursuit of easy superiority, and it is an unhealthy attitude. YOUTH: So children who commit delinquent acts are engaging in the pursuit of easy superiority, too? PHILOSOPHER: Yes, they are. All types of problem behavior, from refusing to attend school, to wrist cutting, to underage drinking and smoking, and so on, are forms of the pursuit of easy superiority.

Chapter 53: Live Like You’re Dancing

• PHILOSOPHER: If the goal of climbing a mountain were to get to the top, that would be a kinetic act. To take it to the extreme, it wouldn’t matter if you went to the mountaintop in a helicopter, stayed there for five minutes or so, and then headed back in the helicopter again. Of course, if you didn’t make it to the mountaintop, that would mean the mountain-climbing expedition was a failure. However, if the goal is mountain climbing itself, and not just getting to the top, one could say it is energeial. In this case, in the end it doesn’t matter whether one makes it to the mountaintop or not.

Chapter 54: Shine a Light on the Here and Now

• Life is a series of moments, and neither the past nor the future exists. You are trying to give yourself a way out by focusing on the past and the future. What happened in the past has nothing whatsoever to do with your here and now, and what the future may hold is not a matter to think about here and now. If you are living earnestly here and now, you will not be concerned with such things.

Chapter 56: Give Meaning to Seemingly Meaningless Life

• PHILOSOPHER: And Adler, having stated that“life in general has no meaning,” then continues,“Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual.” YOUTH: Assigned to it by the individual? What does that mean? PHILOSOPHER: During the war, my grandfather was firebombed, and his face was severely burned. In every way, it was a horrendous and inhumane event. It would certainly have been within the realm of possibility for him to choose a lifestyle with the perspective of“the world is a horrible place” or“people are my enemies.” However, when my grandfather rode the train on visits to the hospital, there were always other passengers who would give up their seats for him. This is something I heard about through my mother, so I do not know how he actually felt. But this is what I believe: My grandfather chose a lifestyle with the perspective of“People are my comrades, and the world is a wonderful place.” That is exactly what Adler is pointing to when he says whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual. So life in general has no meaning whatsoever. But you can assign meaning to that life. And you are the only one who can assign meaning to your life.

• PHILOSOPHER: When one attempts to choose freedom, it is only natural that one may lose one’s way. At this juncture, Adlerian psychology holds up a“guiding star” as a grand compass pointing to a life of freedom. YOUTH: A guiding star? PHILOSOPHER: Just like the traveler who relies on the North Star, in our lives we need a guiding star. That is the Adlerian psychology way of thinking. It is an expansive ideal that says, as long as we do not lose sight of this compass and keep on moving in this direction, there is happiness. YOUTH: Where is that star? PHILOSOPHER: It is contribution to others. YOUTH: Huh? Contribution to others! PHILOSOPHER: No matter what moments you are living, or if there are people who dislike you, as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of“I contribute to others,” you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like. Whether you’re disliked or not, you pay it no mind and live free.

Afterword

• Adlerian psychology, which draws inspiration from these philosophical insights to proclaim“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems,”“People can change and be happy from this moment onward,” and“The problem is not one of ability, but of courage” was to utterly change the worldview of this rather confused youth.

• It is strange that philosophy should be something that is discussed using words understood only by specialists. Because in its original meaning, philosophy refers not to“wisdom” itself but to“love of wisdom,” and it is the very process of learning what one does not know and arriving at wisdom that is important.

• Wanting to live sincerely is an important thing, but it is not enough on its own. Adler tells us that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. But if one does not know how to build good interpersonal relationships, one may end up trying to satisfy other people’s expectations. And unable to communicate out of fear of hurting other people even when one has something to assert, one may end up abandoning what one really wants to do. While people may certainly be popular among those they know, and not many people will dislike them perhaps, they will end up being incapable of living their own lives.

Reading Group Guide

• The First Night: Deny Trauma 1. Like the youth, do you feel determined from the outset to reject the philosopher’s theories? Why might that be? 2. “Everyone wishes they could change,” the youth says. Do you agree? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why? 3. What“equipment” do you possess? Assess how successfully, on a scale from 1–10, you are using your equipment to bring happiness to your life in this moment?

• The Second Night: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems 4. Do you find it comforting to hear that it is“basically impossible to not get hurt in your relations with other people”? Why or why not? 5. Describe a time when your own feeling of inferiority acted as a kind of launchpad to change or move forward in your life. 6. Do you agree that love is the most difficult life-task? Why do you think so?

• The Third Night: Discard Other People’s 7. Answer the philosopher’s question: why does one want to be praised by others?(page 116) 8. The philosopher offers the following definition of freedom:“Freedom is being disliked by other people.” How would you define freedom? 9. Do you have the courage to be disliked? Or do you know anyone in your life who seems to? If so, do their relationships or yours seem“things of lightness” as the philosopher suggests?

• The Fourth Night: Where the Center of the World Is 10. From where in your life do you derive a sense of community feeling? 11. Is your life worth living because you are of use to someone? Consider how we manifest this worth—think of the jobs we take, the places we chose to live, or the experiences we accept or decline. 12. The philosopher offers the youth the same advice Adler offered once:“someone has to start.” That is, to create a meaningful life, a sense of community, it must begin with you regardless of what others around you are doing. How practical do you find this advice? What are concrete ways you might begin to“start”?

• The Fourth Night: Where the Center of the World Is 13. Were you surprised, comforted, and/or fascinated to read that“there is no such thing as a 100 percent person”? How can you actively acknowledge this fact to yourself, as the philosopher suggests? 14. Labor is one way we come to feel useful and worthwhile, and therefore happy. What aspects of your work give you a sense of fulfillment? Do some aspects of your labor detract from your happiness? 15. Share how you plan to cast a spotlight on the here and now. What sort of action plan can you make to focus on living in the present moment?