My family’s love language is acts of service. Growing up in India, I learned that love meant anticipating needs, solving problems, and generally making sure everything was taken care of. I believe that it’s a beautiful way to show you care, but for me, it developed a dangerous side effect – a deep-seated need for control.
This need for control bled into my relationships. I started to believe that it was my job to manage my partner’s tasks, pre-empt their problems, and generally steer the ship. I thought I was being helpful, but I was actually just anxious. My constant worrying wasn’t just stressing me out – I could feel it creating a strain in my relationship.
Around that same time, I started reading The Courage to Be Disliked, a book that explores Alfred Adler’s philosophy through conversations between a philosopher and his student. In that book, I found a concept that not only helped me lift the strain I was feeling but also strengthened my relationship.
What is Separation of Tasks?
Adlerian psychology states that all interpersonal problems arise because of intruding on another person’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Here’s an example from the book -
PHILOSOPHER: Say there’s a child who has a hard time studying. He doesn’t pay attention in class, doesn’t do his homework, and even leaves his books at school. Now, what would you do if you were his father?
YOUTH: Well, of course, I would try everything I could think of to get him to apply himself. I’d hire tutors and make him go to a study center, even if I had to pull him by the ear to get him there. I’d say that’s a parent’s duty. And that’s actually how I was raised myself. I wasn’t allowed to eat dinner until the day’s homework was done.
PHILOSOPHER: Then let me ask another question. Did you learn to enjoy studying as a result of being made to do it in such a heavy-handed manner?
YOUTH: Unfortunately, I did not. I just took care of my studies for school and for exams in a routine way.
PHILOSOPHER: I see. All right, I will talk about this from the basic stance of Adlerian psychology. When one is confronted with the task of studying, for instance, in Adlerian psychology we consider it from the perspective of “Whose task is this?”
And how do you figure out whose task is it?
PHILOSOPHER: There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made? When the child has made the choice of not studying, ultimately, the result of that decision—not being able to keep up in class or to get into the preferred school, for instance—does not have to be received by the parents. Clearly, it is the child who has to receive it. In other words, studying is the child’s task.
So simple, yet profound. Each time I felt that familiar, overwhelming need to step in and control a situation, I took a pause and asked myself that one question: “Whose task is this?”
If the answer wasn’t “mine,” I practiced the art of letting go. It wasn’t easy, and it definitely didn’t mean I stopped caring. It meant I chose to offer support instead of control. It meant offering confidence instead of anxiety. And in doing so, I not only lifted the strain on our relationship but I also finally freed myself.